“Time present and time past” … a dialogue with T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets November 12, 2013
Recently there again arose a deep passionate yearning for someone to know … for someone to listen deeply to my story … I haven’t fully metabolized the trauma from spinal injuries experienced during my “Humankind cannot bear very much reality.”

What if … what if …
“Time past and time future, what might have been and what has been, point to one end, which is always present. . . . In order to arrive at what you are not [you are not your thoughts, your feelings, your stories, you are not the unmetabolized traumas in your body], you must be still. The darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

Ahhh … re-membering the invitation to connect to Essence through the transparent internal space of the body
Cell by cell, neuron by neuron … inviting the silence of this radiant luminous presence. . . .
Surrendering to the truth of I am …

Experiencing vibrant aliveness in both feet – the soles, heels, toes …
Feet connecting to ankles … inhabiting the internal space of both shins, calves, knees, and thighs
Feeling the internal connectedness of feet, ankles, legs to hips, pelvis, belly
chest, shoulders, arms,
neck, head – forehead, eyes, nose, jaw, lips, chin, ears, brain
skin, muscles, bones, tendons, connective tissues, organs, neural pathways, blood

Breathing … diaphragm contracting, ribs expanding, chest opening, shoulders sliding down the back, lungs filling with air … each vertebra vibrating

Connecting internally at subtler and subtler levels,
Opening, deepening, settling, letting go

Realizing the subtle circuitry of interconnectedness … centers of toes, metatarsals, heels, knees, hip sockets, shoulder sockets, elbows, wrists, fingerpads … each point the center of the all-pervasive space …

Realizing the stillness of the balanced mind …
And the movement of the breath … without disturbing the stillness

Whole body breathing … gills in the feet, gills in the pelvic floor, gills in the sides of the rib cage …
Breathing in, pausing, breathing out, pausing … pulsating with this eairth’s aliveness …

Grounded in the belly … open in the chest … clear in the mind … resting in awareness, emotion, and sensation … being breathed

Shimmering presence … Presence shimmering
“The end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. . . All manner of thing shall be well when the tongues of flame are in-folded into the crowned knot of fire and the fire and the rose are one.”

Roma  11.12.11

• Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future
And time future contained in time past. (I)
• What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know. (I)
• Go, said the bird, for the leaves were full of children,
Hidden excitedly, containing laughter.
Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present. (I)
• At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement.
And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.
I can only say, there we have been: but I cannot say where
And I cannot say, how long, for that is to place it in time. (II)
• Time past and time future
Allow but a little consciousness.
To be conscious is not to be in time
But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden,
The moment in the arbour where the rain beat,
The moment in the draughty church at smokefall
Be remembered; involved with past and future.
Only through time time is conquered. (II)
• Words move, music moves
Only in time; but that which is only living
Can only die. Words, after speech, reach
Into the silence. (V)
• Or say that the end precedes the beginning,
And the end and the beginning were always there
Before the beginning and after the end.
And all is always now. Words strain,
Crack and sometimes break, under the burden,
Under the tension, slip, slide, perish,
Will not stay still. (V)
• Desire itself is movement
Not in itself desirable;
Love is itself unmoving,
Only the cause and end of movement,
Timeless, and undesiring
Except in the aspect of time
Caught in the form of limitation
Between un-being and being. (V)
East Coker (1940)[edit]
• In my beginning is my end. (I)
• There is, it seems to us,
At best, only a limited value
In the knowledge derived from experience.
The knowledge inposes a pattern, and falsifies,
For the pattern is new in every moment
And every moment is a new and shocking
Valuation of all we have been. We are only undeceived
Of that which, deceiving, could no longer harm. (II)
• Do not let me hear
Of the wisdom of old men, but rather of their folly,
Their fear of fear and frenzy, their fear of possession,
Of belonging to another, or to others, or to God.
The only wisdom we can hope to acquire
Is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless. (II)
• O dark dark dark. They all go into the dark,
The vacant interstellar spaces, the vacant into the vacant,

And we all go with them, into the silent funeral,
Nobody’s funeral, for there is no one to bury. (III)
• I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing. (III)
• You say I am repeating
Something I have said before. I shall say it again.
Shall I say it again? In order to arrive there,
To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,
You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstacy.
In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession.
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not. (III)
• Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholy new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it. (V)
• And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate,
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate —but there is no competition—
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only the trying. The rest is not our business. (V)
• Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living. Not the intense moment
Isolated, with no before and after,
But a lifetime burning in every moment
And not the lifetime of one man only
But of old stones that cannot be deciphered. (V)
• Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter.
Old men ought to be explorers
Here or there does not matter
We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For a further union, a deeper communion
Through the dark cold and the empty desolation,
The wave cry, the wind cry, the vast waters
Of the petrel and the porpoise. In my end is my beginning. (V)
The Dry Salvages (1941)[edit]
• I do not know much about gods; but I think that the river
Is a strong brown god —sullen, untamed and intractable,
Patient to some degree, at first recognised as a frontier;
Useful, untrustworthy, as a conveyor of commerce;
Then only a problem confronting the builder of bridges. (I)
• The river is within us, the sea is all about us (I)
• The sea has many voices,
Many gods and many voices. (I)
• It seems, as one becomes older,
That the past has another pattern, and ceases to be a mere sequence—
Or even development: the latter a partial fallacy
Encouraged by superficial notions of evolution,
Which becomes, in the popular mind, a means of disowning the past. (II)
• The moments of happiness — not the sense of well-being,
Fruition, fulfilment, security or affecton,
Or even a very good dinner, but the sudden illumination —
We had the experience but missed the meaning,
And approach to the meaning restores the experience
In a different form, beyond any meaning
We can assign to happiness. I have said before
That the past experience revived in the meaning
Is not the experience of one life only
But of many generations — not forgetting
Something that is probably quite ineffable (II)
• Now, we come to discover that the moments of agony
(Whether, or not, due to misunderstanding,
Having hoped for the wrong things or dreaded the wrong things,
Is not in question) are likewise permanent
With such permanence as time has. We appreciate this better
In the agony of others, nearly experienced,
Involving ourselves, than in our own.
For our own past is covered by the currents of action,
But the torment of others remains an experience
Unqualified, unworn by subsequent attrition.
People change, and smile: but the agony abides. (II)
• You cannot face it steadily, but this thing is sure,
That time is no healer: the patient is no longer here. (III)
• Fare forward, travellers! not escaping from the past
Into different lives, or into any future;
You are not the same people who left that station
Or who will arrive at any terminus,
While the narrowing rails slide together behind you (III)
• Fare forward, you who think that you are voyaging;
You are not those who saw the harbour
Receding, or those who will disembark.
Here between the hither and the farther shore
While time is withdrawn, consider the future
And the past with an equal mind. (III)
• At the moment which is not of action or inaction
You can receive this: ‘on whatever sphere of being
The mind of a man may be intent
At the time of death’ — that is the one action
(And the time of death is every moment)
Which shall fructify in the lives of others:
And do not think of the fruit of action.
Fare forward. (III)
• To apprehend
The point of intersection of the timeless
With time, is an occupation for the saint —
No occupation either, but something given
And taken, in a lifetime’s death in love,
Ardour and selflessness and self-surrender. (V)
• For most of us, there is only the unattended
Moment, the moment in and out of time,
The distraction fit, lost in a shaft of sunlight,
The wild thyme unseen, or the winter lightning
Or the waterfall, or music heard so deeply
That it is not heard at all, but you are the music
While the music lasts. (V)
• The hint half guessed, the gift half understood, is Incarnation.
Here the impossible union
Of spheres of evidence is actual,
Here the past and future
Are conquered, and reconciled… (V)
• Right action is freedom
From past and future also.
For most of us, this is the aim
Never here to be realised;
Who are only undefeated
Because we have gone on trying;
We, content at the last
If our temporal reversion nourish
(Not too far from the yew-tree)
The life of significant soil. (V)
Little Gidding (1942)[edit]
• If you came this way,
Taking the route you would be likely to take
From the place you would be likely to come from,
If you came this way in may time, you would find the hedges
White again, in May, with voluptuary sweetness. (I)
• And what you thought you came for
Is only a shell, a husk of meaning
From which the purpose breaks only when it is fulfilled
If at all. Either you had no purpose
Or the purpose is beyond the end you figured
And is altered in fulfilment. There are other places
Which also are the world’s end, some at the sea jaws,
Or over a dark lake, in a desert or a city—
But this is the nearest, in place and time,
Now and in England. (I)
• If you came this way,
Taking any route, starting from anywhere,
At any time or at any season,
It would always be the same: you would have to put off
Sense and notion. You are not here to verify,
Instruct yourself, or inform curiosity
Or carry report. You are here to kneel
Where prayer has been valid. And prayer is more
Than an order of words, the conscious occupation
Of the praying mind, or the sound of the voice praying.
And what the dead had no speech for, when living,
They can tell you, being dead: the communication
Of the dead is tongued with fire beyond the language of the living. (I)
• Here, the intersection of the timeless moment
Is England and nowhere. Never and always. (I)
• Since our concern was speech, and speech impelled us
To purify the dialect of the tribe
And urge the mind to aftersight and foresight,
Let me disclose the gifts reserved for age
To set a crown upon your lifetime’s effort.
First, the cold fricton of expiring sense
Without enchantment, offering no promise
But bitter tastelessness of shadow fruit
As body and soul begin to fall asunder.
Second, the conscious impotence of rage
At human folly, and the laceration
Of laughter at what ceases to amuse.
And last, the rending pain of re-enactment
Of all that you have done, and been; the shame
Of things ill done and done to others’ harm
Which once you took for exercise of virtue.
Then fools’ approval stings, and honour stains.
From wrong to wrong the exasperated spirit
Proceeds, unless restored by that refining fire
Where you must move in measure, like a dancer. (II)
• History may be servitude,
History may be freedom. See, now they vanish,
The faces and places, with the self which, as it could, loved them,
To become renewed, transfigured, in another pattern.
Sin is Behovely, but
All shall be well, and
All manner of thing shall be well. (III)
• “Sin is Behovely, but All shall be well, and All manner of thing shall be well.” and similar lines later in the poem, are actually quotations of Julian of Norwich.
• We cannot revive old factions
We cannot restore old policies
Or follow an antique drum. (III)
• Whatever we inherit from the fortunate
We have taken from the defeated
What they had to leave us — a symbol:
A symbol perfected in death.
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
By the purification of the motive
In the ground of our beseeching. (III)
• The dove descending breaks the air
With flame of incandescent terror
Of which the tongues declare
The one discharge from sin and error.
The only hope, or else despair
Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre —
To be redeemed from fire by fire. (IV)
• Who then devised the torment? Love.
Love is the unfamiliar Name
Behind the hands that wove
The intolerable shirt of flame
Which human power cannot remove.
We only live, only suspire
Consumed by either fire or fire. (IV)
• What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from. (V)
• Every phrase and every sentence is an end and a beginning,
Every poem an epitaph. And any action
Is a step to the block, to the fire, down the sea’s throat
Or to an illegible stone: and that is where we start.
We die with the dying:
See, they depart, and we go with them. (V)
• We are born with the dead:
See, they return, and bring us with them.
The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree
Are of equal duration. A people without history
Is not redeemed from time, for history is a pattern
Of timeless moments. (V)
• So, while the light fails
On a winter’s afternoon, in a secluded chapel
History is now and England. (V)
• With the drawing of this Love and the voice of this Calling
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time. (V)
• Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known, because not looked for
But heard, half-heard, in the stillness
Between two waves of the sea. (V)
• Quick now, here, now, always —
A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well
When the tongues of flames are in-folded
Into the crowned knot of fire
And the fire and the rose are one. (V)

― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets
“Time present and time past / are both perhaps present in time future.”
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not.”
― T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets

Haven’t fully metabolized the trauma from the sudden paralysis experienced during my second pregnancy forty years ago … there is a deep well of passion that wants someone to know … wants someone to deeply listen to my story …
December 6, 1973 … at the urging of the parent of one my students in response to my ongoing lower back pain, I called my OB at noon that day – and headed to the Palo Alto Medical Clinic … parked the car, leaned forward to get the keys out of the ignition
suddenly all sensation, all movement below my midriff ceased …
two months in the long-term career ward at Hoover Pavilion (terminal cancer patients – and me) … and one month at Stanford –
healthy baby delivered February 8, 1974, one month early, via a complicated C-section without anesthesia … finally tests revealed 5 discs ruptured … laminectomy two weeks later … in-hospital physical therapy … able to walk 10-15 steps with assistance by the time we left the hospital in March …
Thanksgiving afternoon November 1974 … Dr. Hanbury, chief of Neurosurgery, answered phone call … back in the hospital six weeks … painful diagnostic tests … spinal fusion, with bone chips from my left hip … home in January 1975 in a body cast from hips to armpits with directions to stay in bed completely horizontal for six months …
1975, 1976, 1977, 1978 … pain, pain, pain … pain medication, hypnotherapy to get off pills … fear, fear, fear … fighting reality … more casts, body braces, bedrest … therapy to mediate fear, anxiety, and loss …
help from family, health care workers, neighbors, and friends … Maureen came weekly to help the nurse wash my hair without raising my head above the bed, Joanie brought soup, bread, and salad for dinner once a week for a year, Patty, Toni, Kaye, and others drove my kids to nursery school and dance class … Teenagers Carol, Sue, Lynn and others helped with laundry, picked up house, played with the kids after school, husband Paul managed the house and family from 5 pm till 8 am each day …
mediation, meditation, meditation – I am not my body, not my mind, not my thoughts …
1978 – recommendation from SF rehab specialist to sever spinal cord so I could sit in a wheel chair rather than lie in bed

What if … what if … what if my neurological system is damaged not only from the spinal injuries suffered when I was six months pregnant with my second child, but also from the searing tragedy of my brother’s death when my mom was seven months pregnant with me … and a childhood of violence …
What if … what if … what if the trauma in my body is exacerbated by current health issues …
Who is the I that wants to be heard? The unborn infant? Young child? (pick an age)? Teen-ager (pick an age)? Paralyzed pregnant woman? Entangled self in this present moment? What does the I want someone to know?

I exist. I exist. I exist. Pain … fear … loss … grief